Another day....

I think about that night a lot. That horrible night..... I didn't know any better. I could have sat with you. I could have held your hand. I noticed that your nails had fully grown in a way you would have loved. Your nails were so pretty. You had pimples on your face. I know you would have enjoyed the skincare routine and products it would have come with.... I had found the sugar free gum you would have been using to keep your breathe fresh. I think the tracheostomy gash would have been ugly, but a small price to pay to still have you here. Instead, I had to memorise your face in such a short period so that I could give room to your dad to say his final goodbye too. I had to hear the nastiness of the nurse who said: give her a chair o, before she collapses here... I really regret not being there that night. That was my opportunity to spend 1 last night with you.


That day was supposed to be the day things finally took a turn for the better... In a way, maybe they did. You are free from pain and suffering. No more prodding and painful procedures. No more treating you like you are not precious, just doctor stuff.

I remember how I liked to hold your hand, rub my feet against yours. I miss looking at your face and making plans for the next hairstyle...

I had the big sole shoes you would have been wearing. We would have made it so cool.... I still wear mostly big soles now, it's yet another way of carrying you with me. 

I think about what school we would have put you in. You may have had to settle for staying in Nigeria with the health challenges so that I could watch you like a Hawk... I wonder what our lives would have looked like if you were still physically present.

I think about mundane things like what shoe size would you use now? Hopefully, not Tito's size....

I wonder what your fashion style would be like... Hopefully, nothing extreme like black lipstick and stuff 😁. 

I'm so sorry we didn't record our special handshake. I was just learning it and I thought we had more time.... I can't remember it😭... I'm so sorry Tami... Would you still remember me without it regardless? I heard souls look the same.... I don't know....

I would always be grateful you spent the last night with me before we rushed you to the hospital. 

Do you handout with grandpa often? He was so cool... Have you met my cousin Aunty Iyabo? She's like a mother hen... 


It's not getting easier, the pain is phenomenal. There's no day I haven't cried. It's not getting softer. I wonder if you feel me kissing your pictures in the morning. I miss you every time not just every day. I still keep hoping this is one loooooooooooong nightmare I need to wake up from. 


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